Losing Her Religion
by Traci
Summary: Post s5e4 so spoilers. Jean can't sleep between the church and her talk with Eve.


Disclaimer: the usual. I don't own them, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Post s5e4 so spoiler warnings as well.

Rating: K

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Losing Her Religion

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Lying in bed, unable to sleep, Jean could not stop replaying the events of the last few days in her mind. From the judgmental eyes of her fellow congregants to the letter from Mei Lin refusing to sully her name to Lucien willing to ruin his reputation and his career for her to Eve's words. It was Eve who got her thinking. She had never questioned the church; it was blasphemy to question them, yet there she was, at 3:30 in the morning, rethinking her entire belief. How could a church that teaches about a God of love, of compassion, of peace, of forgiveness be the least likely to practice such principles? Where had the church gone so wrong? Had it gone wrong? Had she, perhaps, changed so much that she was beginning to lose her religion?

With a groan, she rolled over, facing the window. No, it wasn't her. She still believed. She still led her life, made her choices, all based on her belief in God. The church, her priest, would never recognize her marriage to Lucien, of that she was sure, but she was going to marry him come hell or high water.

Giving up, she climbed out of bed, put her robe on and quietly went down to the kitchen. With hot tea in hand, she made her way to the sun room. The chill of the night hit her when she opened the door. With a deep breath, she curled up in her favorite chair and slowly sipped her tea.

She felt more than heard him approach. "Did I wake you?" she whispered.

Lucien sat in the empty chair. "No. I couldn't sleep either."

"Would you like some tea?"

With a smirk, he reached over and took her mug. "I'll just have a sip of yours."

Jean rolled her eyes. "The water is still hot; I can make you your own."

"I'm good now," he replied, handing the mug back to her.

"What are we going to do, Lucien?"

"We could run away, change our names and never look back," he offered.

She laughed. "I've already thought about that." Putting her tea down, she got up and walked over to stare out the window.

Lucien followed and wrapped his arms around her, pulled her back against his chest and rested his chin on her shoulder. "Jean, we will find a way. I promise you that."

"I know. It's just… it's just every time we seem to be getting somewhere something comes up to stop us."

"My offer to run away still stands," he half-joked.

Turning in his arms, she wrapped hers around his neck. "I would truly love nothing more. It's just not fair. We won't be able to get married in my church, the people I've grown up with there all judge me, us. It's also against the church laws."

"Jean, I know your faith means everything to you so if you are having second thoughts…"

She kissed him briefly and smiled. " **You** mean everything to me." Sighing she stepped out of his arms. "I need more tea."

Following her back to the kitchen, he leaned against the counter as she filled her mug again and shook his head when she offered him one. "What's really bothering you?"

"Sometimes I hate that you know me so well," she smiled. "It was what Eve said." Off his confused look, she continued. "How the church has deserted her in her time of need. How they feel the right to judge. I told her that if God looked into her heart He'd understand, which seems to be go against what the church does anymore."

Lucien remained silent.

"They've done it to me, too. I told you how they made me feel about taking communion but it's more than that. The way they talk about me behind my back or glance at me when we're out."

"I never meant for you to be looked at as the other woman."

Jean shook her head. "No, it's not that. They were doing it long before Mei Lin returned. It didn't matter to them. Apparently a woman is supposed to remain single after her husband dies unless it's someone the church approves of." Tears remained unshed but her eyes glistened. "I'm just not sure I want to keep supporting a church that doesn't support its people."

Not knowing what to say, Lucien took the mug out of her hands, placed it on the counter and pulled her as close to him as he could. He wanted to make all the hurt he'd caused her go away but had no idea how. "I don't know what to say but whatever you decide you know I support you. I never meant for this to happen simply because I love you."

They both froze. Though they knew how they felt about each other neither had verbalized it before. Now, it was out there.

He felt her arms tighten around him and her body gently shook as her tears fell so he pulled her even closer.

"Damn you, Lucien Blake, for making me fall in love with you," she laughed against his chest.

"Not many can resist my charm," he grinned into her hair.

She pulled back just enough to look at him and saw tears in his own, blue eyes. Without another word, she kissed him, deepening the kiss quickly before he knew what was happening.

Lost in their private moment, desperate for each other, neither heard Matthew approach. He had had some idea of what they'd been through and wished they'd manage to catch a break somewhere. With a smile, he quietly retreated back to his room. They'd be okay. He'd make sure of it.


End file.
